Hello everyone... I've been diagnosed with (c)-PTSD, Borderline PD, Derealization Disorder, Anorexia, Major Depression...etc. I am very discouraged because I've had numerous doctors/psychiatrists turn me away, saying I am -and I quote one of them "too traumatized to help"- I suppose that statement summed it up for the others too I suppose. So I am here now, hoping at least to find people who understand....

I have extreme abandonment and rejection issues (obviously)- but sometimes lately I am having a particularly hard time distinguishing what is my mental illness(es) and what "normal" people would not put up with.

Me and my husband of almost 1 year are living with his parents, I've never had a really...family oriented life so it is massively stressful as stupid as that may sound. But lately it seems all he wants to do is have us sit in the living room with his parents, play board games with his parents or watch TV (which I loathe- TV gives me horrible flashbacks too often, so I read instead but...the 1 on 1 time with my husband is lacking and it is leaving me feeling dissociated and rejected).

I wouldn't mind this if it were every now and then and if we had our time, but since we got married our time has seemingly vanished. A part of me wants to run away because I am not happy and because I fear he will leave me first. Another part feels this is just what life is and I don't deserve anything more. And then a tiny part of me says even people without the disorders I have wouldn't enjoy this kind of "living"- ?

We came u p with a list of thing we can do together on our own... but anytime I mention it he says "later"- so I'm giving up mentioning it.

He recently took a job of 12+ a day that can last for weeks at a time -a job he promised, he swore he wouldn't ever take due to the hours and lack of time we would have. His mother pushed him into it, and I know that for a fact as she admitted it to me. He didn't want to go through another argument with her so he went along, and now here we are.

I am in England with him, I am from America, I have no one here... Life is becoming unbearable at times and I do get scared of myself sometimes.

I plan to go back home (America) next month but there is nothing but abuse waiting and an empty promise that my husband would be going with me (he isn't).

I guess I am posting this for 2 reasons.... 1) to vent and 2) to see if anyone else would feel as hurt as I do by the lies and by the lack of time.....

If you read this thank you, please don't be too harsh.... thank you....