I'm sorry that you had such a bad time...maybe changing medicines can be a good idea. I think that these thoughts can go away, if not completely at least largely...expecially if you begin ignoring them. Really, I believe that you can do it. Mine really reduced since I learnt to ignore them a bit. Don't despair! Take your meds and continue trying to ignore these thoughts...I know that it's difficult...but the more you try the more it can become automatic. This is my advice. Write me again if you need to talk, also privately if you want. Lots of love