This isn't going to make you super happy but suicidal thoughts actually tend to come pretty naturally as you actually get better--its very hard to recognize what you have become and see what your future might end up being like---what if the meds stop working and you go back to what you experienced before ----these moments of lucidity tend to be terrifying because of the very realness of the situation in comparison to everything else. I was never suicidal when I was sick---I could have done something accidentally in confusion but I never wanted to die but as I got well I sort of realized that I had been living in a fake world for over a month that I would have to take meds for a long time if not forever that I had no control at all over the voices and the meds were a pretty flimsy shield against all of that. Gradually when I realized I wasn't being treated like a pariah by people I started to accept aspects of my "new" self. There was an example I saw recently of pdoc telling a patient they had to mourn the loss of their old self and the guy saw it as bad advice but really there are all these new self elements being integrated and its hard to deal with so its not that you are losing your old self and role in society so much as a general change. Just the idea of taking drugs all the time changed my view of myself but to be honest they also altered my personality slightly the books I read the music I listened to etc----pdoc pretty much just said go to the bookstore and pick out something new. I can't say for sure he's having the same problems but for me the transition from sick to well was actually the hardest to live through---the rest was pure reaction.