Yes, if after he was calmer then I think it was indeed what I consider an episode. I've come to view it as if I have to have an eruption/explosion in order to reallign myself internally somehow. I don't know why. It's like a balloon too full of air, and the skin is so tight. Then when the balloon pops, everything is relaxed. But, I don't feel well. Yes, I've attacked myself many ways over the years.

The negative thoughts sound like the worthless/hopelessness that comes with the depression part. I get that way too. Everything is going to turn out bad, we're doomed! They come and go with the cycles. Does he ever go the other way? I start to think I'm going to be this huge success at whatever and start big projects or set high goals. Then things fall apart and I come crashing down....

I'm an ultradian cycler. My cycle seems to be 3-7 days with dysphoric mania rather than euphoria and mixed episodes pretty regularly. The explosive episodes come at random intervals. Sometimes I dont' have them for months. I have minor episodes more often, without the SI problems but still with lots of screaming and crying and so on.... I am so tired of having those... they are exhausting and I hate how I feel sick after.