Hi everyone, It's the first time I ever write something on a forum, but I just gotta get this off my chest. I always had the feeling something was truely wrong with me, and after years of googling things, and a lot of therapy sessions I finally found something I could identify with, Quiet Borderline.. Now I'm not sure if I'm just telling myself this to finally put a name on what's going on with me, or there is actually some truth in it, so I was hoping you could help me figuring this out... I've had some troubles in my youth, parents divorced at age two, psychologically abusive stepmom, my real mother married and divorced from an alcoholic etc etc... And at the age for 14 things started to go wrong with me. At 14 I had my first anxiety attack; came out of nothing, couldn't breathe, was afraid of everything and everyone for at least an hour untill someone finally could calme me down. Ever since things got worse. As an adolescent I basically lived on my own, my mother wasn't home most of the time, my dad had no idea where I hang out so at e very young age I started drinking way too much and partying all the time. At the same time I started having hyperventilating attacks, whenever something upset me I no longer could breathe, no handle this I started to take painkillers (10 to 15 at once) untill I was so drugged I could no nothing but lay on my bed. I also started to physically hurt myself (cutting, scratching, etc...) and I had a voice in my head that was always telling me to destroy myself, because I wasn't worth anything. Sometimes when I was out at night I lay myself down in the middle of the street, just to see if a car would hit me in time, before someone got me off there, presuming I was drunk. Also I had an incredible fear of people leaving me, which was often the cause of my hyperventilation. This went on for a few years until I went in to therapy when I was 17 years old. The therapist taught me how to handle my hyperventilation and I got a very good boyfriend who was able to get me off the painkillers. (Only used once or twice in the next few years when I was really upset.) The next few years I was pretty much Ok. That means, only hyperventilating once every year, only want to destroy myself once every half year and my total emotional outburst limited to one every month. After we broke up, when I was 20 year old, things got worse again. I went through an emotional time and I succeeded in losing 17 pounds in 1,5 month, just by not eating anymore. I also seriously started to abuse alcohol and having attacks every now and then. After a year I pretty much got through it and went back to my regular state. (keeping abusing alcohol though, but no one really notices since I'm a student and everyone drinks a lot...) The last few months things got worse again. I've had two attacks in the past 2 months.(hyperventilating, not really wanting to kill myself but fearing that I might, endless crying, cutting myself,... I once even called suicide hotline because I was really scared I was going to throw myself of a building. Kinda woke me up.) I feel very anxious in general, sometimes I scratch my neck and my arms with my nails without really noticing it and I suddenly realize I have to cover it up before someone notices... I'm also behaving very impulsive, cut off all my hair without thinking about it, subscribed for a GAP year without even really wanting it, I have an appointment for a tattoo scheduled this week, not really sure what I'm supposed to do with that one... I never talk about this with anyone. NO ONE knows. People think I'm carefree, always partying, happy,... (I drink way too much, but not really because I want to party, just because it makes me fall a sleep easier at night and I don't want to be alone with myself) I'm not capable of talking about my feelings, sometimes I want to, but I just can't. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2,5 years, because I never let anyone close to me and the thought of sharing who I really am terrifies me. Whenever I get somewhat close to a relationship I start to freak out, because I truly don't believe it's gonna work out and I just know I'm gonna get hurt. I even feel relieved when that happens because it means I no longer have to be afraid. I have the feeling I'm always acting, not going through life as myself but as a persona I created, watching others live there life. And even my best friends don't know how bad I feel inside. What they do know is that I have severe winter depressions, for which I do take medication and they kinda help. I can get up and I don't start crying everyday without reason, which is nice. That I couldn't hide anymore so now I have to take medication every year from october till february. I'm on a waiting list for therapy again, but in the meanwhile I feel really lost and scared so I was hoping someone could give me their point of view.... Sorry for the long text.