Dear T,

Um....I woke up today. Woke up from the nightmare I've been living for the past 4+ days in what I'm thinking may have been an "emotional flashback." I wonder if you knew that last week when I came in so out of sorts and basically lost. Panic-stricken, confused, terrified and freaking out - with little ability to speak coherently...I think I realize now why I've been asking you for more explanation, more structure. I think because I've been coping ineffectively with trauma responses that, themselves, cause deep shame and fear, especially when I experience them in front of you.

I SO appreciate your caring, warmth, and soft-spoken presence. You've been amazing in your consistency. You're ability to challenge me is appreciated, too. I just need you to tell me I'm not a lost cause. I need you to tell me how to manage these horrible whatever-they-ares....and to tell me explicitly what they are in the first place. I need you to be more psychoeducational about what all is going on with me.

Maybe you don't realize I don't know wtf is going on half the time. Maybe you assume I know I have a serious issue that doesn't come from me being "bad" or a "horrible" person. I really don't know how else I could've expressed these fears to you. I feel like I've tried over and over again. I've acted them out unintentionally, even.

I like you. I just need to be told I'm ok as a human being and that there are just issues I have right now. And that you don't think badly of me because of them. Maybe you thought that went without saying? Maybe you DID say that but I missed it because I was so dissociated I couldn't take it in. Man, T. I don't know....