Atypical

I've finally started reading (well skimming is probably more accurate! ) Elyn Sak's memoir and it's just amazing how similar her story is to mine. Obviously I've never been as ill as she was, but I really relate to the way she fakes normality and struggles through Uni. I hope that I can overcome this like she did, but I also worry that I'm not as special/strong/intelligent as she is...

I'm also worried because I got an appt through to see a new pdoc at the end of March. I had asked the OT what had happened with an appt, and she said that they (pdocs) had closed my file and only the OT dept had access to it. And she said that as I wasn't on meds, I didn't need an appt, which I agreed with. I don't want to see a pdoc as I don't want meds and I know they don't believe me and are in cahoots (what a great word! Lol) with the Govt. I was just annoyed they hadn't had the decency to tell me they'd decided not to see me after telling me when I left hospital that I would see them. And now I have an appt!

What am I going to do?? I can't be honest because they told me they didn't believe me and so I'm not supposed to talk about it. But I can't say everything's fine because that's just playing into their hands to get me off benefits. They're watching me all the time, looking for evidence that I'm faking, and it's exhausting. And I'm trying to pretend that everything's fine with my parents and keeping everything to myself, I guess I don't fully trust them after being Sectioned, and I don't want to burden them more with Mum so ill, but then I'm worried that's evidence for the Govt that I'm fine and can work. And I don't want to go to jail for fraud, but if I stop claiming benefits then I'll be penniless and homeless as soon as my parents get tired of me.

I haven't been getting up early the last 4 days, but I need to "pull my finger out" again (did I tell you guys that my Mum said that to me?!) It's not making the changes that are so bad, but making them stick. I can pretend everything is fine, but I don't have the strength/energy/whatever to keep it going for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry for moaning again, but I had to get this out before I started screaming and couldn't stop

*Willow*