I have been suffering since early December. Every year I get the winter blues, but this year it has been severe. In the beginning I felt very sad and cried a lot. Then the sadness mostly disappeared, after I survived through two days of intense suicidal thoughts on January 17 and 18. Now, I am left with flattened emotions. Whenever I feel one such as sadness, it is muted.

My anxiety is really bad. I constantly feel anxious and creeped out. Sometimes I get very restless and want to go on a violent rage for no reason. I have also been very irritable. The smallest things will set me off, which is not typical me. Sometimes I have altered perceptions that confuse me.

My thoughts feel so dark. It also present in my dreams. Before I was sleeping about 13 hours a day. Now I am getting around 6 or 7, with a lot of wake ups.

I can barely function. My days are spent in my PJs either in bed or at the computer. The last two months I have only had a bath or shower 9 times. I have withdrawn from the world and friends. The only person I have been keeping in contact with is my mother. I've been forcing myself to eat, even when I don't want to.

I barely care about university, which I used to really enjoy. Nothing really matters anymore even Fs on my transcript. My interests have disappeared. Now I obsessively read through medical literature to clear my name of an awful misdiagnosis that was given to me 20 years ago.

I can't make sense of what is going on with me. This is beyond SAD.

I don't know what to do. Psychiatrists, pills, ERs, crisis hotlines and the family doctor are not options. I feel trapped.