so today while hanging out with friends things to a point with two of my best friends that really went terribly badly. It got to the point both me and both of my two best friends became physical around each other.

I feel horrid for this cause in all honesty everything that was said was not meant truly at all it just continued to keep getting more heated and heated as the context of the arguement continued on....

the sader thing was it my friend just really trying to tell me in his own way...he was concered about me cause sometimes he see's me making progress with my self being better and some times he does not.

I have noticed for some people when they see others around them that are in low spells (depressed it irritates them) they even some times with aiming to physical lash out....saying "why can't you just be happy"

they don't understand why for some like me just "letting go of my past" is not soo very easy....I have ptsd and I suffered from abuse from my father hell my current boyfriend that I am with ...me and him have past issues of near abuse but I can tell now in his life he is really turned around and is being a different person. I am at the begining of a point in my life where I am starting to realize I have to do the same....I can not be the person I was before....and allow bad habits to stay in my life. If I do I will become something I hate and despise....and because of my low self esteem I have already become that person.

but sadly the truth of the matter is wither my friends like it or not...I am not going to always be happy all the time....and frankly if me being un happy or depressed is going to trigger anger and possibly physical voilence from them like it did today..... I am going to be not to keen on my haning out with them....

I can be fairly physical voilent too when pushed hard enough and feel I need to fight back...i was fighting back and being restrained just as much as they were today...so I do not blame all this on them and on me....

But knowing that we all are similar in that things like this can happen for us all....I need to take it in mind and try to think of alternatives to situations like this so it does not happen again....

maybe even just learning to bite my tongue when I hear other people's opinions...maybe to realize that when talking to my friends when hey say they want to talk is a good thing...but realizing also they themselves have stress of their own.

And hearing how I am stressed out and depressed sometimes is fuel to someone ele's depression also.

they think it odd I call and text my therapist often and talk to him about my issues often like I would a friend.....

and I know its a matter of their opinion on the matter.....only...

frankly I do like the fact I have a therapist that is close to me and that does care about me...they don't think going to one has helped me but it has.

as hurtful and as dysfunctional as my friends and I are. Just like how me and my mother are around each other I know that deep down we all love and care for each other and they want what is best for me.....it just does not always come out in great ways.

I know that i have become physical with my mother and my father at points in my life to and its also due to the fact that they have done similar things as well I need to take time aside to manage not just my Ptsd but my anger that comes with it.....and I need to make bigger strides at not only working on this but applying it making sure I start doing things that will create good better habits around other people.

I know I can do it if I try hard......I can do anything i set my mind to ....and I will change and be a better person than I am today...I need to be able to do this.