I'm 52 years old. My wife thinks I'm bipolar and she may well be right. I've never been normal. I've never been consistent in my feelings. I oftentimes in hindsight regret things I've said or done.

As an example of how crewed up I am, somehow, I've managed to make a good living. I'm smart. People like me, at least at first, so I've been able to blow up 6 figure jobs and land another one just based on people thinking I'm good. Right now I'm President/CEO of a company and I wasn't even looking for the job. But..

Even though I should feel good about being able to find a job, I don't. I always think that either the company is going to fail or I'm going to get fired for poor performance. We have some money saved, but I constantly stress over finances. I never think things are going to turn out ok.

With my kids I'm brutal. Whenever they compete at something, unless they win it's never good enough. Wen I try to help them all I do is point out their mistakes. At the same time I'm crazy proud of them.

With my wife, I've turned someone who truly loved me into someone who hates me. Even though I love her with all my heart, I treat her like crap.

Like I said earlier, I've always been unstable. I've never felt normal. Sometimes though I become extremely unstable. Depressed to the point I don't get up or even eat. All I want to do s go to sleep and not wake up.

I've noticed these extreme periods come every so often like some sort of cycle. I think I mainly notice the big crashes, but my wife sees the smaller, more frequent, cycles too. I can see now it's been this way for a long, long, time. Maybe 35-40 years.

Ironically, even though I've held upper mgmt jobs the last 15 years, I smoke a ton of pot and have for a very long time. Like in, just about every day for at least 30 years.

At this point I don't even know where to begin. I want to save my marriage but I'm not sure my wife does. I've hurt her so bad for so long. I want my kids to be proud of their dad not embarrassed or hurt by me. If I can't achieve these things then I'd rather be dead really. But I'm so screwed up and my whole life is so screwed up that I question whether or not it can even be fixed.

I just don't know what to do