I sometimes look at my exhusbands' new wife's facebook (I am not her 'friend', it is public) to see if they post any pics of the kids....why do I torture myself with this? He proposed to her on valentine's day a couple of years ago and they got married last year. He showers her with jewelry and expensive gifts. Why, why, WHY does this bother me SO MUCH????????? She was sleeping with him while we were still married, and she was one of many, many affairs of his and I seriously doubt the last. People like him don't change.

It still just bothers me. Once or twice he would buy me a rose. You know, from the store where he bought his cigarettes and it probably happened to remind him that it was Valentine's day. Why do I let all of those terrible, horrible years still hurt me so deeply? How do I stop this cycle of pain?

Why did he hate me so much, why did he feel like I wasn't worth anything? It just hurts so much to be rejected, I've always been rejected and it is just like ripping the scab off every damn time. I hate him. I try not to hate him, but I do. I hate him for hurting me so much. I hate him for rejecting me. I hate him for lying to my face day in and day out and then swearing he wasn't sleeping around when I proved over and over again that he DID. I'm not married to the piece of crap any more, why do I STILL hate him so much? Will this ever go away?

I feel like such a big freaking baby. I'm married now to a good man, and for that I am so thankful. But I feel like I am stuck in this horrible rut of self loathing and that it is just destroying me. I want to be free of him.