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Since I was a little kid, perhaps middle school, I have wanted bad things to happen to me. The reason why I bring this up is because my med compliance issue is due in large part to the not caring about myself and wanting bad things to happen to me. For instance, when I was in middle school, someone would break their arm and I would wish the same thing upon myself; almost as if I am jealous of the person with the broken arm. Obviously it has escalated to me wanting to be the person in the car that just wrecked on some high way, a girl that got raped by someone, etc. I have a sick fantasy of wanting bad things to happen to me. Obviously, as I stated early, it now caused me to stop my medicine previously (I am currently back on them because I was caught). I get this idea that I don't care what happens to me. So what if the schizophrenic side of schizoaffective disorder is extremely progressive as my doctor had mentioned before.... I WANT to be at my worst possible state.
Why in the hell do I think like this and am I alone in the struggle to fix it? I told my psychologist I have 5% left of me that actually wants to change. If I wait any longer, I will go psychotic...for good. So, yes, I am currently working on it and finding the underlying causes for it. But It has only been a day (I met my psychologist yesterday).
Any ideas?
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"I've said I have been running hard, so hard at times I feel I must give in. What breaks you brings you hope. It takes you there and gets you back again. Everybody knows the world isn't always easy. Guess it goes to show,YOU can shape your own design. Hello, hello! I am alive again!"
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