Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
I think in your case yearning, that was all childhood yearnings, that is a very natural way for a kid to think, especially when they've been taught that their needs shouldn't exist. You've explained it very well, what your thinking was, the needs behind it etc. You learned from the experiences that it isn't realistic and you're now teaching yourself how to get you needs met in a healthy way.
Some people never learn that, and stay in that childlike place/fantasy into adulthood and i think that's when it becomes a bit obnoxious. (my word, my view of it, not everyone's) i think it's that refusal to grow, that total blindness of how their actions affects others, that complete disregard of the emotional roller-coaster they send people on that makes it very difficult to deal with.
Everyone would rather not grow-up, everyone has a child-like part in them that just wishes someone else could take care of everything, that in itself isn't unusual but when people force others to look after them by creating dramatic situations that a responsible person can't ignore, then the other person can feel very manipulated and resentful. They feel resentful that they are being made into something they don't want to be ie sole friend, sole parent, sole rescuer, they are put into a role they never asked for and eventually they get compassion fatigue and i think that's why people who create very dramatic situations constantly end up being "abandoned". Because the person they were using just caves in and can't do it anymore. It really quite sad actually.  |
What I learned (the hard way) is that one single person can't be everything to you. I used to think my former teacher was the only reason I had to be alive; she was the only person who loved me and cared about me and understood me. (The scary thing is that she WAS.) But now I have lots of people in my life who fill different roles.
I have a wonderful, amazing, one in a million friend who is my age and can't fill my attachment needs but can fill my need for support, belonging, caring, understanding, etc. He is always there for me and we have formed a really healthy relationship where we can forgive each other when the other one does something stupid and where we can be open and honest about our feelings and not project things onto one another.
I have T, whose boundaries I am learning to respect (which is probably good for me), but who is supportive and empathetic and willing to listen and support me through all the crappy stuff from childhood that is still affecting me now, and who provides lots of validation and is willing to teach me the skills to do things myself, then sit back and watch me grow.
I have my mom, who up until recently I was realizing can fill SOME needs; not all maternal needs by a longshot, but she can be a person for me to call when I just had a great day and want to talk about it.
I have my dad, who I've found that the less contact I have with him, the more fulfilling our conversations can be.
I'm learning how to use these resources in ways that work for me; instead of fighting with my parents all the time, I'm learning to be realistic about what they can and can't do for me and use them to get my needs met and remove myself from the situation when I'm being mistreated.
I have my current mentor-figure whom I love, but whom I also know won't be there forever - I think she's leaving at the beginning of April, and I am absolutely fine with that. I will enjoy her while I can and we can talk about our mutual favorite academic superstar together.
I have a mentoring program that T hooked me up with that looks very promising; they match you with a mentor from the LGBT community who is literally your special adult who gets to spend time with you at least once a week and support you and care for you and teach you. I was worried about this at first, but T thinks I'm ready to form a healthy relationship with an adult in this way, and I think it'll be a challenge, but I can do it.
I think when some people really only do have that one person in their life, like I did for so long, it can be difficult to NOT attach to that one person. I don't think it's a refusal to change so much as the person is in too much pain to see past the one person in their life who can alleviate that pain. I know that was the case for me. I NEEDED my teachers. If I hadn't had my most recent teacher, I literally would have killed myself. I wanted to so often, but I knew that I couldn't do that to her. I knew it would destroy her, so I found the will to live. When I was in that bad a place, I was literally incapable of doing anything BUT cling to her.
I think when people's needs are so big like that, they're so overwhelming that people literally can't see past their own needs to look at the situation from someone else's point of view and figure out how not to use them that way. I mean, I knew I was using this teacher in a way she wasn't super comfortable with, but my needs felt so big that I didn't know what else to do. I knew I was hurting her, but if I didn't hurt her like that, I truly believe that I would have just lost the will to live, because I didn't have the skills or the tools to be that person for myself, and I didn't have any way to build another support system. She was all I had, and I was in such a dark place that my needs just had to take precedence over hers. And it sucked for her. But it sucked even more for me.
I feel incredibly guilty about the way I treated her sometimes, but T says I need to look back at myself with compassion and see that as a sixteen year old, she was really all I had, and I felt like I didn't have a choice. So I can't really blame myself for it. It was a bad situation all around.