Recently I ended a very long friendship (around 8 years) for what I felt were kinda menial reasons at this point. You see the friendship was pretty much long distance (she moved upstate a while ago and I stayed in the city) but it worked for the time period that we had it, we would converse alot and joke about stuff like how friends usually do. But then recently one day she just stopped appearing really, our text messages got less frequent and had less substance along with the fact phone calls were now out of option.

She told me that she was getting busier with school and work so I understood and let her have the space, I became afraid to message her because I always figured it would be at a bad time. And even sometimes when I did my messages would stay there for hours or days without a response. I tried to figure that it was because of how work was going and that everyone was getting busy these days due to the finals days of college approaching.

But then I noticed that she would constantly post facebook updates about all the fun times she's having with other friends and stuff, I will admit that I grew a little jealous of the fact that I couldn't hang out with her like that anymore. I once again tried to ignore it (to the point of taking her off my facebook update lists) because I didn't want to go into an emotional state (I've done this nearly every year before when I would get emotional and threaten to end our friendship but she would talk me out of it) I figured that I could wait and just find something else to pre-occupy my time.

Yet I didn't make it, I eventually did get tired of waiting but I didn't want to let her know (trying not to appear weak or something) so I began to think that maybe it was time to go our separate ways. I tried to tell her this at first and she asked me why I would do this and that the 'cycle' of me doing this was getting very tiring (I thought so too, I REALLY didn't want to do that because I wanted to break it) but eventually we compromised on it and went our separate ways.

I felt terrible for the next two days.....even though all my friends were there to support me. They were telling me I shouldn't feel this way about a friend but when it's someone who was your BEST friend then it's much freakin' harder. I did stop thinking about it after the two weeks but the thought comes back from time to time and nowadays I'm thinking if I should go back to her.....it really disgusts me because it makes me look like I'm weak-willed or something.....also the fact that I kept trying to end the friendship and finally did it then come crawling back after a month? How the hell will that make me look?

I should have told her that I just wanted to take a break for a bit then come back when my head was more clear. I also feel kinda selfish for not waiting a little bit longer maybe, I suppose I thought as a best friend I should have gotten special treatment. Now I feel like I made a grave mistake but fear it's far too late to go back now when she must have already gone on with her life (I have no idea how she took it but I think it may be best to not know)

I don't know if I should even try to go back or continue onward, I try again and keep my mind clear or not...I'm not sure