Dear abuser,
Its been so hard, this life of mine. I will admit that i was born into a pretty dysfuntional home so i met you with lots of issues. I still struggle with the questions of what i deserved or didn't. I loved you and all i wanted was for you to love me back. At first it was wonderful, you were my world. There was nothing i wouldnt do for you or to be with you.
Then came the judgements and the questioning. I guess you started to realise that i wasnt good enough for you. I should have known the day would come. I did what survival told me to do, i lied, im sorry,. If i knew the pain and chaos it would cause i would have never lied. I would have walked away from the love i longed for.
I think....

I didn‘t. which is my fault. The products of your broken home and my broken home just didnt mix. I became so hurt that you wouldn't just love me. Your love was conditional. I felt so rejected.
As time went on, because our time did go on, your anger became monstrous. Starting with hits and slaps, sex that i didnt want but it was the calm of the storm. Things got worse. So many supressed memories of being choked until loss of consciousness, hit, just beat down until my soul felt empty and refilled with hopelessness and helplessness.
Being in public was horrible. Feeling lie garbage because thats what i got treated like. Being told i was nothing, i was garbage, i was a horrible person, a bad person, a hoe.........it sunk in so deep! You always backed up your claims of my horrible character and soul with facts, undisputabe facts. You convinced me, congratulations !!!! I know you always win. Maybe thats why no matter how good i begin to feel i fall back to where i am, in the gutter where i belong. No matter how many times you tell me now that im loved and cared for and so important, i know in the back of my mind the truth. Lonliness is my home, despair is my cradle, hopelessness is my rock, and helplessness is my foundation. So to you that believe that i will always be in "victim mode" you're right. To you that believe i will never get better and fix myself........congratulations because you have won.

I know this is supposed to be maybe inspiring to others, so im sorry that it was just a pittiful, pitty party rant. Im just not feeling up to being courageous. Guess its not in my blood.

With all of the trauma i dealt with in those beatings, the thing that scares me the most to this day is looking into your eyes, the man i loved and who told me he loved me, and seeing the rage and anger. There was nothing genle or loving in those eyes. The look in your eyes told me of the immense pain you planned on inflicting on me if i didn't answer your questions correctly. I dont think i can fully put into words those experiences. I keep it tucked away so i dont have to think about it. If i do i get scared, and anxious.
I dont think you or anyone will undrrstand the pain i went through, the daily terror, the other woman i had to deal with or else. Parts of my soul have died. My safety and fear are always on alert.
I forgive you because i love you. I forgive you because i dont want pain for you. I forgive you because i know that you have changed, but the damage is done. No matter how much you change, for the better, im still left here, garbage, damaged goods, dysfunctional,