Dear abuser... You raised me when there was no one else, but you took advantage of that and used me to fulfill the regret with how you raised my mother. She may have died from bad choices, but you forced me to make your choices and I never had a say, now I can't have a say without being paranoid. You may have taught me to be scared and helpless, and I may still depend on you at times, but I will not repeat the cycle. I will not be you. I will not control everyone the way you showed me. I will be me.

Dear abuser... You gave me one of the brightest lights in my life. I swell with love when I see her face, and tear up when I see your smile cross it. I never forget the pain, the fear, when you choked me, when you did more... That never goes away. Nor does the paranoia, the fear that everyone will be the same as you, lull me into a peaceful bliss and tear it down over and over like you did. I can't pass those fears, and they still hurt me to this day.Though, I spend every day trying to keep you from harming yourself and every conversation brings back such a different tone in your voice, brings back the anger and hatred. But I continue, for her, because even if you can't help yourself, she deserves a father in her life. You ****ed me up, that is for sure. It's getting harder now, too, to continue without help. To convince myself I moved on and I succeeded in working past the damage you caused. I haven't. Yet. But I will. Dear abuser, I will move on and I will grow and I will learn to trust and love again because **** you, I survived. I stopped it before the damage crippled me and I can still come back. I will come back. And maybe one day, I can help you come back too.