I have also been dx with PTSD from abuse as a child. I do lash out when triggered, especially if someone touches me and I don't see them coming and super especially if anyone goes near my head. I lash out with words (very loud usually) and have swung my fists instinctively. I don't plan it, intend it or mean it -- it just happens. It feels like a defense, even if it's a total overreaction. It shows up other ways also, like I can't stand it when people are yelling at each other (my abusers screamed at me). I have to leave the room now and have even yelled out for people to stop yelling because I can't stand it.

What to do? There's so much I do to protect myself and others. I tell people very deliberately not to touch me and if I have any trust in them I tell them why. When I have lashed out or yelled out, I sit down someplace quiet to figure out the trigger. It might be that the person looks like one of the attackers and reminds me of them. It could be where I was touched. It could be that I am just having extra stress at the time and my trigger point is lower than usual. Whatever it is, I write about, draw it on paper to run my hands over it -- whatever I can to understand it and try to calm it down and take the power out of it. I tell myself what hurt me before can't hurt me now. And I breath slowly and deeply trying to release the trigger and what's behind it.

Most of all, I forgive myself for lashing out. I can and do apologize if I hurt someone or overreact to them, but I have to honor for myself that I am still healing, I am not always in total control, and I am working hard to get better. I won't let myself carry guilt from it. These are symptoms and I'm doing all I can. Carrying guilt will make it worse for me. I need to be sensitive to the fact that I lash out not because I'm a bad person, but because bad things were done to me and I'm still experiencing that pain, fear and anxiety. To me, my PTSD symptoms deserve the same regard as symptoms someone might have from a physical illness -- they might need patience, a hand getting up, or whatever to live with their illness. Well, so do I, but my needs are emotional. I need space, empathy and patience.

Hope these thoughts help.

be well,

mtd