Hey there,

Try not to worry about 17 so much, you are getting stronger every day and will be very, very strong if you ever have to face the abuser again. I can see in how you write now that you are making great progress, speaking up with a survivor's voice to say what you feel, what you want and what you feel you need and don't need. Keep speaking up with that voice and keep close to the people who are trying to help you now. I know you feel like you don't have much control, and that feeling is very scary to those of us who have lost control with abuse before. But there are people in our lives who want to help us for real. It's o.k. to accept them for that and at the same time tell them what we really feel we need, and what we don't. Talking to them, even if they forget to ask for your input, can help them understand better what you really need, so they don't make choices for you without knowing how you feel. The more you speak, the better the help you'll get. You deserve both to speak up for yourself and to get help as you work to heal from what was done to you.

I really mean it when I say I can see progress in what you are writing. Please be patient with yourself. Even with set backs -- we all have them -- you are going in the right direction. You are strong and you are going to survive this. I know you can do it.

be well,

mtd

p.s. BTW, you may even want to stop calling him your "dad" and just call him your "former father" or something like that. Disown him. I try not to even call the people who attacked me "my" anything. I don't want to claim them in any way. So now they are just "the people who abused me" or "the ones who attacked me" instead of "my abusers" or "my perpetrators." This helps me put them away from me and off on their own to deserve their own shame.