I have all these emotions milling around in my head that I don't know how to deal with. I was supposed to call someone before I did harm to myself, but like the selfish jerk I am, I was just like screw everyone, I'm going to hurt myself anyway. And admittedly I had been drinking so I guess I had just been typing out what was on my mind.

And what am I looking for by posting? I just want these feelings to stop. Or how to face them…I can't seem to cut deep enough to be able to die and at some point (like now) there is no alcohol or drugs and I'm not asleep so there's nowhere to run or hide.