Quote:
Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.
I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.
And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.
|
I think this isn't her intention at all, but what I'm getting out of this is that there are certain things (like her boundaries) that I can't bring up with her because then she will get sensitive/defensive/reproachful with me. And I don't think that's particularly useful and I need to discuss it with her, but I have much better things to talk about (clearly) than her boundaries for fifty minutes, and the last few times we talked about her boundaries it did not go well and I ended up feeling more upset than I started, because she just does not respond well to that.
She interprets me questioning her boundaries or even stating a need re. her boundaries as "escalating" or "aggressive" and sometimes I don't know if that's just her interpretation or if that's reality, because that's never my intention and I take care to speak calmly and gently when I ask about that stuff because I know she doesn't like it, and today I definitely did NOT get upset at her, but according to her sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing something that can come off poorly to others...so I don't know about that. Sometimes I wish she could just put aside the delivery for a moment and just hear the message...but I know she's trying to teach me interpersonal skills and this is important...
Me justifying and making excuses again, I think...but I know in this situation, if it was bothering me so much, I could just leave, just like I left my mother but with a lot less heartache. I'm choosing to stay because she has helped me a lot and will continue to help me if I let her, and because she is incredibly supportive and reflective and gives me validation on every single subject that isn't her boundaries. (Which is probably her own stuff and her own past experiences, which I can't really judge her for. More justifying...)