Quote:
Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.
I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.
And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.
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Also, it does feel like this sometimes...she was proud (without saying that word, because she doesn't use it) of me for not calling when all this happened. She would have probably had a talk with me about boundaries again if I had. And I did not even email her, even when I was tempted when she emailed me first just for something mundane to tell me she didn't have her phone with her today so to wait in the lobby of the building (the elevators are key operated after hours) and she would come down to get me before 7:30 instead of me calling when I get there like I usually do. I wanted to email her back and tell her something about this, anything. Instead I emailed her back saying, "Thanks for letting me know. See you later." That's all. So I denied my need (to tell her about this) out of deference to her and her boundaries.
I haven't decided whether that's therapeutic or not. I think it can be, because it is important for me to learn to deal with disappointment and not being able to have what I want right away when it places a burden on others. But also the need is very real. And I'm paying her for it.