I think I want to write T an email about this. We don't do emails. Ever. But I know telling it to her on the phone will be counterproductive and I'm not going to wait until next week to deal with this. I know it's long and I'm not sure if she will be even remotely okay with that. Is there any way I can cut it down? Do y'all think this is an okay email to send?

Dear T,

I know that emails of a personal nature are a boundary for you, and I’ve been trying really hard to respect your boundaries, but I feel like this is something I need to write to you for two reasons: a) because I’m realistically not going to be able to hold onto it until next Wednesday and b) if I tell it to you in person, we will probably spend the whole session discussing it and it will probably not go well.

So if you’re still reading, here goes. I really need you to be more mindful of the way you respond to me re. your boundaries. I'm okay with the boundaries themselves, but a lot of the time when we have a discussion about boundaries or how I feel about them, I feel chastised/judged/shamed. Yesterday when I stated my need for another session/check-in/whatever to work some more on this and process it more, since we really only got to talk about what happened today and not how I’m feeling about it or what I’m going to do about it, your response felt really unsettling to me.

I’m okay with the fact that you said no to another session but maybe to a check-in depending on your schedule, but what I heard (even though I don't think you meant it this way) was, “I have certain boundaries for my private practice [and you know what they are and stop bothering me about them already].” I was nervous to even ask for what I needed because I didn’t want you to get upset at me or think it was wrong of me to ask, which is how it’s felt in the past when I’ve stated a need in a way that didn’t feel right to you, because sometimes it feels like you hear the delivery (my tone or whatever) but not actually the message, which is that I’m struggling with something and need some compassion.

Sometimes it feels like you’re rebuking me for expressing that need in the best way I know how by taking the expression of my need as a criticism or labelling my expression of that need as “badgering” or “escalating”, and I don’t really know what to do with that. Because it is never my intention to make you uncomfortable; I’m usually just trying to say things in the best way I know how.

I know this is my stuff; I know you’re not trying to chastise me for having needs, and that’s just how I’m interpreting you. I’m working on that stuff, and for now, I just need you to be mindful of it. Because today I felt like we had a really good session and I felt really validated and supported and even cared about (if that’s okay for me to feel) and then at the end I felt like I ruined it by asking you for some more time, even though I was okay with you saying no. So then I went home feeling really guilty because it felt like you were displeased with me and like I’d done something to upset you. I don’t think that was how the situation was at all in reality, but that’s how I’m interpreting it.

The fact of the matter is, I need you sometimes, and I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy about that as long as I respect your boundaries, which I’m trying to. But sometimes I feel like you’re sending me mixed messages re. whether it’s even okay to need you or whether me needing things from you or even mentioning that I need things from you is a burden.

So that’s all. I hope this email was not such a big boundary crossing (although it probably was, and I am actually sorry about that but I didn’t really know what else to do, since you know I have much more pertinent things to talk about during our next session, so I just felt really really stuck and I hope you can forgive it). I would just really appreciate if you could be more mindful of the way I'm interpreting you in these situations. And I would also like to thank you for listening yesterday, because I know I laid a lot of really tough stuff on you and I really appreciate how supportive you were. That felt really, really good to me, and it meant a lot.