well clearly you have self-harm issues. even your misuse of pain meds is a form of self harm. My guess is there is some deep-seeded self-contempt or just hatred of life itself.

I think BPD is likely, but I will not say for certain as i am not qualified to say that.

HUGS of support to you. I hope you find a therapist that helps you . And look into DBT to control the self harm stuff.