My therapist had me write this letter to help me make sense of all the feelings I have surrounding the abuse. It took me a while, but I was eventually able to make some semblance of my emotions and realize the impact it had on my life. I knew it had effected me, but it was a jumbled mess in my head...

To start this letter off I want to say “F**K YOU”.

I wish you were still alive so I could unleash my anger upon you, so I could humiliate you in front of your family and friends, so I could take legal action against you. I hate that you suffered nothing while you were on this earth. You traumatized me at such a tender age and evoked such shame, such guilt. You left me feeling hopeless and dirty.

You stole my vulnerability, my enchantment, my sparkle. You took what was supposed to be my joyous childhood. For God’s sake, I was a little girl who liked playing with dolls, playing dress up, roller-skating, going to the park and all the things little girls do. YOU took this away from me. Instead, during those years, you took me to hiding places just so you could touch me and do other unspeakable acts. You made me believe that all that happened to me was my fault.

You framed who I became emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. You played off my shyness. I became a withdrawn little girl and then a quiet, withdrawn adult.

My life has been one big struggle. You left me feeling worthless; unworthy of love from others, unworthy of loving myself. I will always struggle to trust, to love, to accept that someone loves me just for being me.

I still struggle with trusting others, letting them get close to me. Because of you I often feel like giving up. You didn't just molest my body; you molested my heart, my mind, my soul, my life. I’m still picking up the pieces of the life you shattered.

There has been so much pain in my life. Beginning in my teen years I began causing injury to myself, trying to relieve that pain, a pain so intense I have wanted to take my life on many occasions. I felt I didn't belong, that there was no place I could go to, either physically or in my mind, where I could feel OK with myself.

You took what I can never get back. You took my innocence, my childhood. My first kiss should have been exciting. My first time with a man should have been full of excitement and pleasure. These should have been a memorable experiences. But an old man took that away from me, YOU took that away from me.

At the times I reached those ages, when I should have had those experiences, I had already had them. And the only memories I have are your repulsive mouth and hands touching me, your disgusting p****s trying to enter me and other hideous acts you made me do.

You made me believe it was my fault, that I wanted and liked what you did to me. But you also told me that if I said anything to anyone no one would believe me and that God would send me to Hell. You left me so confused. I didn't like it, but I believed you.

There are voices screaming inside my head; how shameful I felt, how hopeless I was, how guilty I was and how sad and lonely I was. The voice told me how insignificant I was, that if only I was better, if only I had been a good girl, if only… There are no excuses or justifications for what you did. You have wreaked havoc on my life.

As much as I wanted to have a relationship with a man, it terrified me. You taught me that sex was about a man’s pleasure and a woman’s place was to just take it.

As I got older there was still something inside me that felt the need to find a relationship. But as hard as I tried to find a man to love and who would love me, I always ended the relationships when they became too intimate. Filling this need grew to be too much and I stopped. Unknowingly, I developed an eating disorder as I hit puberty. It took me years to realize that I did this so I would be unattractive to men.

My heart is broken because I will probably never marry, I will never have children, I will never have the joy of seeing my children grow and succeed, I will never know true unconditional love and I will never know the life I could have had. I am beyond heartbroken because I will never know what my life’s purpose should have been. You stole that from me.

I have always doubted myself. I have never trusted my decisions. I have been fearful of change. I have never had confidence in myself. I am so incredibly sad that my life is filled with fear, distrust, loneliness, with guilt, shamefulness and so many other damaging emotions.

As you are burning in Hell for what you did to me, do you remember what you did, what you made me do? Do you think about how all that you did to me affected my life? Do you see that I don’t have the life I had wished for? Do you realize that the very first time you touched me change the course of my life, my history forever.

The day you died was not sorrowful, it was a celebration. You are no long able to harm anyone else and you are forced to face the destruction you caused. I hope the pain you feel is, at the very least, as horrific as the pain you have caused me. I hope you feel the fear I felt. Are the searing fires of Hell worth what you did to me? I pray you are suffering the torture you cause me.

My final words to you are … F**K YOU. F**K YOU for all you did to me!!!