Sorry for bringing this over from another thread, but I want to work through this in more depth instead of hijacking my own thread trying to figure out how to work with this email thing.

Yesterday's session (and past sessions where similar issues came up re. boundaries) is really bothering me and I want to tell T how I'm feeling about it. I know this is better done in person because she doesn't like between session contact, and that's a boundary for her, but our next appointment isn't until next Wednesday and I have way more important stuff to talk about during that appointment, such as this really scary situation with my mom and stepdad and processing some feelings around that, and I know if I bring it up during session we will just spend the whole session talking about it. I feel like I also want to give her some time to process what my needs are and figure out how to better meet them.

I also really don't want her to get upset at me for breaching her boundaries, though, and I am actually considering doing this on purpose and I have no clue if it's a good idea or not. (Probably not - I know it will aggravate her, but I want to do it anyway.)

It's long, but I don't know if there's anything I can really cut out and still end up saying everything I need to say...do y'all think this might be okay to send her? Or is sending an email a bad idea, period?

Dear T,

I know that emails of a personal nature are a boundary for you, and I’ve been trying really hard to respect your boundaries, but I feel like this is something I need to write to you for two reasons: a) because I’m probably not going to be able to hold onto it until next Wednesday and b) if I tell it to you in person, we will probably spend the whole session discussing it and it might not go well.

So if you’re still reading, here goes. I have a need for you to be more mindful of the way you respond to me re. your boundaries. I'm okay with the boundaries themselves, but a lot of the time when we have a discussion about boundaries or how I feel about them, I feel chastised/judged/shamed. Yesterday when I brought up my need for another session/check-in to process this stuff more, since we really only got to talk about what happened yesterday and not how I’m feeling about it or what I’m going to do about it, I felt really uncomfortable with your response.

I’m okay with the fact that you said no to another session but maybe to a check-in depending on your schedule, but what I heard (even though I don't think you meant it this way) was, “I have certain boundaries for my private practice [and you know what they are and stop bothering me about them already].” I was feeling nervous to even ask for what I needed because I didn’t want you to get upset at me or think it was wrong of me to ask, which is how it’s felt in the past when I’ve stated a need in a certain way, because sometimes it feels like you hear the delivery (my tone or whatever) but not actually the message, which is that I’m struggling with something and need some compassion. Sometimes I feel like you’re rebuking me for having/expressing that need by taking the expression of my need as a criticism or labelling my expression of that need as “badgering” or “escalating”, and I don’t really know what to do with that. Because it is never my intention to make you uncomfortable; I’m usually just trying to say things in the best way I know how.

I know this is my stuff; I know you’re not trying to chastise me for having needs and that’s just how I’m interpreting you. I’m working on that, and for now, I just have a need for you to be mindful of it. Because today I felt like we had a really good session and I felt really validated and supported and even cared about (if that’s okay for me to feel) and then at the end I felt like I ruined it by asking you for some more time, even though I was okay with you saying no. So then I went home feeling really guilty because it felt like you were displeased with me and like I’d done something to upset you. I don’t think that was how the situation was at all in reality, but that’s how I’m interpreting it. The fact of the matter is, I need you sometimes, and I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy about that as long as I respect your boundaries, which I’m trying very hard to do. But sometimes I feel like you’re sending me mixed messages re. whether it’s even okay to need you or whether me needing things from you or even mentioning that I need things from you is a burden.

So that’s all. I hope this email was not such a big boundary crossing (although it probably was, and I am actually sorry about that but I didn’t really know what else to do, since you know I have much more pertinent things to talk about during our next session, so I just felt really really stuck and I hope you can forgive it). I would just really appreciate if you could be more mindful of the way I’m interpreting you in these situations. And I would also like to thank you for listening yesterday, because I know I laid a lot of really tough stuff on you and I really appreciate how supportive you were. That felt really, really good to me, and it meant a lot.