thanks everyone. i guess i was thinking that stage / phase 1 is about building rapport, building trust, stabilisation. stage / phase 2 is where i start talking about stuff that is really hard. past hurts. stuff like that. it is a back and forth process, but i guess i've never really felt like i got to here before...

had a session on friday. managed to get into it fairly quickly (which is really very strange to me). i felt the shame. and he sat with me. for a while. not sure how long. but for a while. then he asked how i felt and i said i felt like i had a brick in my stomach. and he asked if i was aware of anything else aside from the brick. and i could feel my arms on my legs. and he talked me through being aware of my feet and stuff. and the brick went away. and he said about how it could be really helpful for me to practice mindfulness of external objects. to help ground me. and that since there wasn't all that much time left that we should reorient the session...

and i asked him whether he would still work with me if i didn't have DID. and he said 'YES i agreed to work with YOU'. and i said about how i wanted it to be about making me bigger and i didn't ever want to switch. and he said he had worked with one person with DID and one with an ego state disorder and that it took 2 years before they switched. and we talked about how traumatic memories are encoded differently. and we talked about how neglect and emotional abuse can be what is most traumatic and about how it is possible that it is those components of physical and sexual abuse that make them traumatic. and we talked about how it was hard to talk about this stuff. and about how trust was a process... and i said that i wished i could see him more. and he said that ideally i'd see him twice a week and he had been thinking about that too. and he might be able to fit me in on Tuesdays and he would see what he could do.

it was exhausting. typically i come home and sleep for 4 or 5 hours. not sleep exactly. doze. process. try and remember. feel the feeling that he is across the room for me but i feel more connected than i feel when i'm sleeping in someones arms. and how it is okay that he is across the room. and that he can be across the room and i actually don't want or need him to be any closer than that.

but i had conference over this weekend. it was a great conference. i am rather sleep deprived now though. a bit sad that i didn't get to process the session into memory... it fades... fades so fast :-(

still... only 4 days until i see him again.

i have to do some work this week.