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Old Feb 19, 2014, 02:49 PM
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HealingTimes HealingTimes is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: England
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom View Post
Yes. More than I can say. It was my T's surgery that forced his retirement. He had to have the surgery unexpectedly, and then was recovering for 6 weeks. While he was hospitalized, I was extremely anxious: afraid for both of us. I'm not sure I could separate what part was concern for myself and what part was concern for him. They were both intense. I was overwhelmed by feelings of regret for things I hadn't said, as well as thoughts of a future without him.

When he returned, he insisted that we talk through my "selfish" fears, which I was very reluctant to do. It took a while, but I came to realize that my fears and his fears were much the same, and neither of us was selfish. As CE mentioned, it was some of the most valuable work we did together. It brought our relationship to a different level, far more equalized, and it really helped in the final resolution of the transference (parental).

But it has left a permanent vulnerability in our relationship. It's not a particularly bad thing, just a realization of impermanence--a need to place security somewhere other than permanence. He is aging, and has experienced a lot of difficulties in the last 2 years; that vulnerability is again on both of our minds just now.
Thank you, Feralkitty, that is actually really useful.
Re the bit in bold. I have always perceived my T to be a strong independent woman, and this health scare has shaken me a bit. I don't mean that she is no longer strong or independent, but like you said it leaves me with the realisation that my T is not permanent. Her health isn't either.

My T was open to talking with me about it (prior to the operation) and was very accepting of my selfishness-not that she would call it that.
I think this will leave a permanent vulnerability for us too, but hopefully it'll be one that we can both work through together.
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