this weekend i think i know what i need to do but can't face it.

i have been married for 19 years. very rocky years. my husband had an affair 18 months after we were married. iwas broken. after everything else, more betrayal, more distrust everyone now who i'd ever loved had let me down.

we somehow got over this, and a couple of years later we had our son. i still found it hard to trust him.
his affair had lasted 2 months and he worked with her.

he went to another job after that.

few years later, i had a drunken thing with one of my friends neighbours and i told tony about it.

went ballistic, calling me slut, ***** anything he could do to make me hurt. i know two wrongs don't makea right, usually i am loyal. i think i was still angry and wanted to get at him.

again, we got over it. times have been hard. until i came on here i haven't told people much really.

i'veput up with feeling unloved and ignored long enough.
thiws weekend i have been distraught. i needed physical contact.

i went to lie on the bed with my hubby, he was watching tv. i just wanted a hug. i wrapped my arms and legs round him tight. he hugged me but it was empty. i was sobbing and asked him please hug me properly - he couoldn't.

makes a joke out of everything

my daughter came to my rescue. she knows how to hug...and made me feel better. my kids have never seen me like this before, always worn a mask. but they're understanding and let me know every day how much they love me.

never wanted to be a divorce statistic, i try, but it's just that i need something tony can't give me.

i need genuine affection and a self of worth and need to be loved and wanted. i know my kids love me.

don't know where to start.

jin