Hi All,

I’ve been reading all this stuff on forums regarding bipolar breakups and I have some questions. Thing is my ex-gf hasn’t been diagnosed with bipolar. She did have some trouble with drug abuse, 4 years ago and was hospitalized twice due to psychotic fits. She then pursued treatment (injections at first, then abilify).

Basically, my ex-girlfriend is 29 and I’m 10 years older. We dated up until last Jan for nearly 10 months (the entire phase from injections to reducing the abilify dose). I know 10 months is not much but due to her personality and us being constantly together it felt like much longer. It’s also been a rollercoaster ride, with wonderful and hellish moments. I do like her a lot. I won’t even go in what makes me tick, but let’s say I haven’t connected with someone on this level before as I did with her. Let’s say she’s my kind of girl and we met just when I was considering having a nice stable person in my life.

At first it was bliss, she did tell me about her past and I was fine with it (little did I know what would follow). We were on our 3rd month dating (she would sleep over quite often) when she wanted to break up because she had met this guy (her teacher). Reason: she did like me but she felt it wasn’t a passionate love. We managed to talk things over, went for a nice holiday at my parents beach flat and, guess what, a week later she couldn’t even remember him.

Then she moved in to my flat. Not my choice (I was planning us moving together in 3 or 4 months time) but one day she had a fight with her mother (she still lives with her mother and doesn’t have a job) and asked me to move in. She was crying and very very nervous, so I thought, what the heck, let’s do this, let’s move in together.

From day one she revealed herself to be not much of a housewife, but I’m kind of OCD and I do like to cook, so I took all domestic duties upon myself – would tell her off at first but then I just gave up. All that mattered was that she would find a job so she could join in the bills and we could build something together. I did think at the time that having a job and a routine would do something for her and us as all she did was spend time on facebook.

Needless to say I would pay for everything. I also managed to get her out of a legal problem she had and that caused her a lot of stress this one time she was reducing her abilify again.This was 5 months ago. At this same time she meets this guy online and they have a date for a cup of coffee. Couple days later she wanted to break up with me. Reason: “all relationships end”. We talked it over. Week later, same thing. She goes clubbing with him one night and doesn’t even get home (her mom’s, not our place) till the next day. Break up situation again. Reason: “you shouted at me over the phone because I wanted to go out with a friend of mine”. We talk it over, again. All sorted.
So all fine until a week later. I was working, she calls me saying she would be late. I immediately realise what she’s up to. Long story short. She breaks up with me. For good, she says. She’s very nervous and anxious at this point. Says she’s not sure if she’s doing the right thing, but still wants to break up for good. Very emotional goodbye where we pack all her stuff and I drive her to her mom’s. I say I love her and I will help her in case she needs anything but it’s best if she doesn’t contact me ever.

Couple days later I miss her so much that I ask her to come back and find out she’s with this guy (the online guy). A mutual friend tells me she seems to be all happy and loving with this person. She says she’s deeply in love with him. Then she stops answering my calls or text messages. Two weeks, me sending texts and she ignoring. Then, following her mother’s advice I text her asking if she wants to marry me – I know, spare me, I can be pretty impulsive myself at times and anyway it was something we had discussed before. So, guess what? She calls me saying “Yes”.

Eventually we meet and have a chat where I say I forgive everything (I honestly did as I used to be pretty messed up at her age): the lying, cheating, the drama. I’m just happy to move on. She cries. She says she misses me and she will break up with this guy. She also asks me crying: “why did you let me break up with you?” I find that hilarious, still I am so happy to be with her again that I just try to lighten up and get her to see the humour in the situation. She smiles.

So now the plan is that she gets a job so we can start thinking of building some sort of a family together and eventually get married in a year or so. Guess what? Two months pass and no job- she still spends all day on Facebook talking to anyone who gives her all the attention she constantly seeks (no sending CVs, nothing). She barely showers, smokes like a chimney (same as me), never cooks, never cleans. I go to work every day and when I get home she’s in the same place logged on to her Facebook. Sometimes she even forgets to eat. Ah, ok she made the bed once – sounds crazy but I was so proud she had made the bed, without me asking her to at least make the bed. And she did cook once, out of the blue.

At this point I stop saying anything regarding job hunt. I’m there for anything she needs, from drawing to music (she’s the creative type). I help and support her with love and understanding. I even manage her to get some money through that legal suit I told before and by doing freelance design work for one of my contacts.

So New Year’s Eve, money finally in her bank account, she breaks up. Reason: she says I don’t plan to marry her and have a child, anyway. I try to explain that maybe one day, when I could have been more depressed and a bit stressed from work I may have said something about being hard to put a child in this world, with this current economic climate. Also that the fact that she doesn’t work nor plans to work, doesn’t help. But that was one day. A gloomy day I had. Excuse me, Miss Me, Me Me (apologies for the irony it’s just so you understand how I felt at the time).

She doesn’t care. She’s made up her mind, so it’s better for us to be just friends.
To be honest, I am so exhausted at this point, that I let her do her thing – pretty sure, in a day or two she’ll get back to me.

As I said earlier, when we started dating she was on Abilify 20mg. Since then she’s been reducing 15, 10, 5. She was with me the whole time and I have witness the changes in humour and the anxiety attacks (a couple of times she even mentioned she missed taking drugs to help her out). Hence the reason why this time around I let her do her thing and don’t beg her back. She’s now on 5mg and I’m pretty sure this is due to cutting back on meds. I don’t want to stress her even more. Let’s see what happens, I think to myself.

What happens? Eventually, she starts dating this guy (again the online one) and moves in with him to his parents (about her age, jobless, also the creative type, smokes ash).
As much as it hurts me, and worries me, I force myself not to chase her, so I don’t stress her. A month passes. I take her to her final appointment with the doctor, where she is discharged from abilify.

I haven’t spoken to her since then (nearly a month) apart from the occasional short text saying I miss her, to which she barely replies. Today I got a message from her saying we should have a coffee one of these days.

So there you go. The thing is for some reason I started reading about bipolar and I can relate to a lot that’s been written by users in these forums, regarding breakups. I can see a pattern here, but I am not a doctor, so I keep questioning myself if this is just a very twisted wishful thinking (please do not take this the wrong way) on my behalf, so I can make some reason out of all this madness. Put it in other words, maybe she just doesn’t love me and I have found this bipolar thing to ease the pain.
To me, the constant attention seeking, the laziness, the not wanting to work, the creative peaks, the out of touch with reality, the delusions of grandeur (I haven’t told half the story, for the sake of our privacy), and this inconsistent behaviour, might be a sign of bipolar. But who am I to tell.
Is this just a generation thing? Is this bipolar? Is this the getting off abilify? To be honest I don’t really know anymore.

Would like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks in advance and apologies for my broken English.