First of all, welcome to PC! We're a pretty friendly bunch, and there's nobody more supportive than the people here because we all know what each other is going through.

Naturually, we can't give you any sort of diagnosis because none of us are doctors (I'm a nurse, but I can't diagnose anybody either). What you've got going could be bipolar; however, you need a mental health professional to help you sort things out. And believe me, it's not the most unusual thing to be diagnosed late in life; in fact, I myself wasn't diagnosed till I was 53 even though I have a fairly serious course of illness going on.

I understand what you are saying when you talk about living a successful life. I have had a good deal of success myself---when things got tough, I just sucked it up and pushed on through. Then I'd have a breakdown of sorts and quit, or get fired, but I have ALWAYS landed on my feet.

You and I both came from a generation of people who didn't really talk about mental illness. There was a lot of shame involved (still is) and our issues, if we had them then, were usually ignored. So we bumped along through life, knowing that something wasn't right, but unable to put our finger on it.

My breaking point came two years ago, when a combination of life crises pushed me past the limits of my endurance and I had my first serious manic/psychotic episode. My primary care doc, who'd been prescribing antidepressants for me for over a decade, gave up on me and said he was sending me to a psychiatrist after I reported being frightened of myself. I'd had a screaming fit at work, slamming doors, hollering at the top of my lungs that I wanted to kill something. It wasn't enough to get me admitted to the psych unit---I settle d down some---but I did get in to see a doc pretty quickly.

Even though I had an idea it was coming, it floored me when he diagnosed me with BP not otherwise specified. (It's since changed to BP 1 due to the severe manic episodes I have on occasion.) But it made sense, and suddenly every odd thing that had ever happened in my life made sense too. It took me a long time to accept it, but it is what it is, I can't get rid of it, so it's best just to take my meds and attend my appointments and do what I can to minimize the episodes.

Bottom line: Get thee to a psychiatrist ASAP. You can ask your primary care provider for a referral (that will usually get you in sooner). If you're lucky you'll get an awesome p-doc like mine; if not, feel free to get second and even third opinions. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone; in fact, it would be best NOT to disclose if you do get diagnosed with bipolar (or anything else for that matter). It's none of your employer's business, none of your friends' business, none of ANYONE's business but yours and your doctor's.

I wish you the best in your pursuit of better mental health.