I appreciate this thread and everyone that has posted so far. It gives me hope. I am, at the moment in another transition in life. I'm supposed to be "softer and kinder" but over the last few losses and transitions and incompleteness of grieving I drive myself further underground. It really stinks to experience myself in my head and not feel much of a connection in my own body or sense of selfness, being....it feels disgusting and I imagine that gets telegraphed, so the spiral circles and circles and circles. IRL I just sort of hang out with my dogs, walk and am fortunate that I can go out now at least and run errands. I do not care to have much beyond a friendly smile or wave. I now DO limit my conversations like gossiping about family, friends or the neighbors and what they are doing....don't care for this stuff, and never have.

Social skills at my age should be better, but they aren't...I miss a lot of signals, it's embarrassing....ugh...my H is befuddled, and irritated with my lack of "common sense"
and lack of motivation. He travels a lot so is out of town often. I don't feel the need or desire to run out and do, do, do, and busyness into wasting time on XYZ...
My roles have changed drastically, I have decent physical health, and that has improved over the last year.....thank goodness!!!! Success! I not staying in bed all the time or torturing myself trying to be "there" for ones who can't or aren't able to be "there"....I have dropped these relations or have been dropped myself. I always tell myself it takes two people, and am willing to see my own part in the whole situation.
A lot of this is simply unresolved grief...maybe. I don't blame anyone, I just wonder what and where my next transition will take me if I don't know, who does????

I dislike feeling and living like this, it concerns my family, and I so want to be an example for my adult children and grandchildren.

Anyway, this is not a "pity party" or something I consciously "make" happen, so please don't answer with this sort of reply. Thanks....

And with saying this I do welcome constructive thoughts, concepts, and I do take meds, and I have been to therapy some things were helpful.

To volunteer and help others does not intuitively feel natural, I do want and feel a need to create some form of structure outside the home before I am completely housebound. It scares me to think of this because, my Father did this as he aged and never seemed content or happy in his elder years...
Thanks to you all
Jade

Thanks, and this is me taking a risk today.

Jade