I grew up my whole life, as a boy being raped as a young child. I know it's unrelated to being transgender except, when I wanted female friends. I wanted females in my life, I knew I was a girl. I always was, but I never cried so hard now. All I wanted is to not be on this planet like this. I'm not ever going to accept my reality. I only wanted this so bad, I'd do anything for it. I'm too poor for MtF surgery. I have developing neuro problems and all my money is spent for my parents problems with their poor financial skills. I love women so much, I always was one. I would be a lesbian if I was one now, but no I'm stuck with this ugly body and the stigma of being a guy. I can't do this. I never felt so rejected in my life. I don't want this so badly. I cry so hard now, I've realized I'll get the life I truly deserve. I just want to die in a hole. My parents aren't supportive my family even less my friends not at all. They don't understand, I just wanted a girlfriend as a guy to help me through this, I wanted to be a woman so badly. I wanted to have a poly relationship with two females as a girl or guy. I truly know what I need emotionally and what I want. I've been abused so much and dealing with the hassle of being a guy, I never ever wanted this. I like my body in the sense that other people think I'm very attractive male, but I don't want it. I really know I was a female. This isn't me, and if I go to people bout it, I get looks of shame and people think of me differently, because they've been around the guy me for so long. I wanted to die, because I don't want to be here. I suffer psychosis apparently, but I don't believe in this mental illness stuff anymore just more as labels than actual evidence. Too be honest, I just what I truly desire without having to do so much. I hate it, I am 20 years old, but I'm like a child not a broken boy, but a girl who wants a true friend. I never wanted this. I don't ever want this, no matter how much I express it no one can see how I am this miserable everyday to see myself. I don't want women who I love or and working on trying to date or have friendships, turn bad so quickly, because I'm not a girl. I'm a guy and even if they are heterosexual, they assume I'm going to damage them. I hate it, it's like a mask I can't ever take off. I know what I would look like and I hate this so much. I finally opened up bout it now for once and never ever spoken of it before because of my abuse. Now with nothing left to give, I just feel empty my cries for help won't be heard nor will get me closer, because I did my best I called and put myself out there, but no one will ever see me.