Hey, um I've been having body issues lately. I beleive I used to have anorexia, and bulima (or just anorexia because the only reason I'd throw my food up was to make people think I was eating and not just avoiding food). Anyways I recently started taking diet pills again and wanting to do drugs that could make me skinnier (I know both of these are terrible coping stratagies) because of a stupid magazine cover. I just saw it and burned inside and since then I've felt nausiated eating at all but I'm feeling grose because I haven't been eating much plus the diet pills. And I wanted to carve the dark f word into my stomach. It still wants to make me self harm. Are these normal things to go through? Is this a relapse? When I went through it twice before I could count my ribs and everyone was all excited about how I "Looked so great". Anyways I guess I'm curious, and upset and scared but there's this excitment of "muwahahaha I will be skinny again soon!". I'm just having trouble wraping my head around it because I never have been diagnosed. Does this sound like struggles others have had? I just have trouble beleiving it because I heard all of these horror stories about teeth and hair falling out and dramatic things like that. But I do KO on occasion after a cigarette, especially if I haven't eaten.

Sorry I'm just getting this all off my chest for the first time you know? Not to my friends, but for them I mention it in passing. I want to take martial arts, but I don't want to eat period. Swallowing feels wrong, digesting feels wrong, if I actually eat I get nausiated and can't finnish things anymore. I've been considering just drinking all of my calories (those stupid meal replacements make it so tempting!). And I'm scared, I don't remember what happend last two times aside from passing out here and there for what I thought were a few seconds but turns out I'd have been out for minuets and once a sempi (secondary teacher in Karate) had actually called my sensei over to check on me. I don't remember this though, I just vaugly remember his face over mine.

But yeah scared because it feels so good, but I know its so dangerious! I'm sorry if I triggerd anyone I just want someone to talk to me about this, someone who's been there Like should I tell my doctor and councoler? should I tell my friends? I don't WANT to...............I just want to continue this until I can see my ribs again and fit into my "skinny clothes". I'm so scared and confussed.

Okay, Okay I'm done rambling. Thanks guys! This is just really upseting My bf mentioned I gained weight and cried when I told him how I reacted which is what triggerd the trigger with the magazines. Still so angry at the girl in the picture. Envious, hateful and I don't like being this way WHAT DO I DO?!