I had absolutely no intention of talking to T about some of the subjects that came up today. I wanted to continue where we left off on Tuesday, and we did do that, but the discussion took a different turn: T started to ask me about events that led up to my current situation, and I tried to give him a more complete picture than I had so far, of what happened 12-13 years ago. There was one event that I had told him about already (and which he referred to) which I have always lied about to everybody. Things did not happen as I presented them to people at the time, and when I've had reason to mention this occurrence to other people later I have told the false version. The true version is something I have never even considered mentioning. (I won't go into details here but in a nutshell I harmed myself and lied about it being self-inflicted. It did not lead to any kind of permanent damage.)

But suddenly, as I was coming up to the event in my narrative, I realised that I didn't want to lie to T about it. I wanted to tell him what had really happened. But I was scared to death that he would react with anger because of what I had done, and because I had lied to him about it. So I said that. I used the fact that my tale had gained some momentum (I mean, it's always harder for me to start talking than it is to go on talking once I have started - I think that's probably not unusual) so I flat out said "I'm afraid of going on", which, needless to say, made T very interested indeed. I said that I had done something bad, and that I had lied to him about it before, and that I had lied to everybody, and that I feared his reaction. We talked about this for a little bit, and I realised that I also did not want to tell him because if he didn't judge me I would feel guilty about not getting my just deserts.

And then I told him what I had done, and he didn't judge me, and he gave me his interpretation of why I had done it, and it was really, really spot on. When I left T's office I felt ten kilos lighter.

And now I feel guilty because the way I presented it to T, I more or less manipulated him into giving a nonjudgmental response. He knew I was scared that he'd condemn me, so of course he couldn't criticise me. I dunno. I'm glad I did tell him, though.