It was my birthday yesterday. It is my worst day. Every year. I don't know if it's a coincidence... that my depression cycle peaks at this time of year, or not... but it just IS. I hate my birthday. It's supposed to be a celebration that I exist; of another year of accomplishments... It hurts to breathe.

I knew it was coming. I tried and HAD a great day on Monday (I wrote a Thread "Breaking out of my shell"). Tuesday, I was sinking and sinking fast. Wednesday hit.. and it hit HARD. My mood ranged from zombie-numb, uncontrollable and random crying episodes, and unbearable pain. I am so very, very tired. If my dog didn't need to go outside and be fed... I wouldn't have moved at all.

Today, I woke up with my eyes almost swollen shut. I'm back to wafting between zombie-numb and random crying. What frustrates me most is that there is no cause that I can pin-point. Nothing that I can point at say, "That's it! I need to fix THAT!"

It runs in my family. I am predisposed to this chemical imbalance. I understand this. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just have to ride out the pain. "This too shall pass" ...just not today.

My mother (who has a heart of gold, but truly does NOT understand) asked me AGAIN what would help, what it FEELS like... It feels the same as the last time you asked! If I knew what would help... I would have DONE IT ALREADY! She means well, but I can't keep explaining (I mention this in the Thread: "What does depression feel like").

The only possibility that I haven't yet explored, is moving. Moving out of a climate that is covered in snow, has little daylight hours, and doesn't get this COLD.

How can I motivate myself to move when I can't get out of my own way? I'm stuck... emotionally, finacially, in my fear... I feel so alone. I can't convince myself that I'm not better off alone.

How can I hope to make friends or have a loving relationship with someone when I would drag them into this? How selfish can I be to do that to them?

There is a pattern, when I first get close to some one... they say they understand. That they are okay with the depression and my process/cycle and it's no big deal... Then, months or a year later when I'm attached to them.. they get resentful.

I hide my pain. So all they see is me sitting in my PJs, watching TV, reading or starring off into space. I can even hide my panic attacks. They think I'm lazy. Why do I get to sit at home when they have to get up early and go to work? They don't realize that I would do almost anything to be able to get past my own pain and contribute. But I'm paralyzed in my "invisible illness." No one believes me until I'm bawling like a baby, rocking in the fetal position, unable to breathe without hyper-ventilating. Why do they have to see me at my weakest to understand? Then, I get their pity... and I've been told, "It's too much. I'm not your therapist." I don't think of them as my therapist... I just been in SO MUCH therapy.. that that is just how I talk and express myself.

The only think I have ever wanted... I can never have.

I have only ever wanted to be happy. But when I can't figure out what COULD make me happpy... I don't even know WHAT TO WANT.

I think being a part of loving family that actually enjoys being a family would change my world.

But again, if I truly cared and loved some one, how could I do this to them? Wouldn't it be selfish to force this upon them? How can I try to contect again and trust that they won't resent me and get scared off?

I can't get away from these thoughts. It's going on a loop in my brain... and the bottom line is ...it's hopeless. And I am destroyed in my heart break. Why does my heart feel like it's breaking again when I don't think it was ever whole?

I don't know what I expect from this rant... I don't know what advice or encouragement I am seeking... I just know that I could really use some feed back. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you are having a better day than me.