I can honestly say that in all my 'play' I have never had feelings or a 'connection' to the person I was with. i just got to know them well enough to know they weren't a psycho ( i would take precautions regardless) and then we would get around to doing stuff. I didn't really know them outside of play, and I didn't really want to. I swapped out over the years on a lot of temp. Doms (some I only saw once or twice), and we all knew full well what was expected. There wasn't a relationship, and to me it really was just Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism (although I only really get into a couple of these areas). There is no deeper, underlying meaning behind it for me. No connection to a person. Nothing spiritual or zen. It's just a carnal outlet. Tbh, a lot of people in this subculture kind of look down on people like me for having that mindset. BDSM is just a means to an end for some people. Dom for an evening, sub for night... whatever. It's all fun and games. Not to say that i don't have tendencies in my daily life, but the practical aspect of it is just that...practical. The point I'm trying to get at is that Not everyone involved in BDSM is looking for meaning within it. You might also want to keep that in mind when you have your discussion.