Hello depression....Holding Paynful hostage I see......

Ranting is therapeutic. And welcome, here. And sometimes the simple act of writing helps get it out. Not gone, but out there, too.

People come into our lives and leave our lives. And, sometimes, we are not the ones keeping them here. "If only" doesn't make any difference to them, they go anyway.
There is someone out there for you. Unfortunately, depression is keeping you from finding them. Contributing to your depression. Which is keeping you....well, you get the idea.

We have to, HAVE TO, have faith that this.... perhaps will not pass, but maybe lift enough to remember happiness and give us hope.

None of what you're doing today is less than okay. It's fine to stay in your pajamas, cry, mourn, be angry...as long as you reach out and share.
I'm very sorry that it happened, but I'm glad that you feel that you can talk about it.

As an aside, I am originally from a gloomy place (literally). My mom still lives there and most definitely has SAD...I bought her one of those lamps specifically for that..It helps some.
Now I live in sunny Texas and wouldn't, couldn't go back to bad weather.
I believe in changing what we can and accepting the things we cannot change. Like birthdays. Possibly you feel, as I do: "****. I was hoping that I would have been "healed" this time around...Ugh"

Keep posting/ranting....