I got my heart ripped open being ignored, medically ill, hopefully I can get my muscle relaxers soon. I can't form or have any relationship or rationally take a girl with conviction and just do me and be happy have a true friend without my psychosis crippling my everyday. I can't live sleep or day any simple function without seeing things, falling down, hearing things, losing my mind to what it was as a very young child. I don't I'll recover ever again. The coma made it worse and even if I'm ok. I just want to die, because I don't have a safe place not in my mind, not in public, not in private, never had a true relationship. My psychosis thoughts and behaviors which I have no control over doesn't harm other people, just scares them, and because of that. I can't help it no matter what drugs or methods I've tried everyday. I don't get the love and attention I need I don't it all never had sufficient feelings of anything I ask for it nope ignored. Beg for it looked down upon as nothing. Try to reason and be careful, **** up every time. I don't want to live, because I can't do anything right, with my medical problems with my psych midas well put the gun to my temple. I don't deserve this abuse. I'm tired of waiting, I worked hard enough and too much to receive any love. I don't get it from my mom friends no one, I'm always ignored. I'm alone in my room like I was all my life. I don't have true friends because they're all made up. I don't believe I'm a guy it's how I felt all my life. I want be a girl, I'm done being abused because people treat me like I deserve it when I'm just asking for love. I don't hit people, I take my anger out on myself, because people show me resentment. I want to die, because I'm like every other suicidal kid, I'm always in physical pain, and now more emotional pain to add my life's full of it. I'm done trying, I did so much put a lot of energy never was worth it. If no human thinks anything I do is worth it, maybe I should off myself. I'm just a crazy **** to people who wants attention, and should die a miserable ugly man's death. I'm over exagerative ***** don't mind me *****ing, save someone else who has a brain a body worth saving. I'm a lesser human being to anyone online in person, even if I seem nice. I'm obviously what people think of me when I try to deny it. I don't want to be alive, why don't they just kill me off now and say good riddance, because I'm done being hit I'm done being lied to. I'm done not affording food or anything. Done being a dog, done living with a broken sick body now. I'm done just ****ing done. I have no patience anymore. The heart of people never existed either you ***** yourself out or **** someone over that's all my life was towards me. My frickin life is being told to be guilty and feel sorry for other people, because I don't deserve any pity. According to my mom my friends and girls I like, obviously I'm a negative ****** person. I should die by there hands they pick my death, because obviously this is torture and form of mental slavery. I never felt dehumanized in a matter of a decade. I don't want anything, it's hurts too bad to get anything. I'm like a starving person whose given a huge meal but can't eat one bite without getting sick. I have been starving myself, because I have no choice, not much food to choose from even if all our bills go to everything else except food which I have lost progessively bout 30 lbs all together in a year. Lost 15 last month from not eating. I try so hard, nothing I can do now to grow just wither and die. I'm not being negative for the sake of negativity I'm out of options don't know what I'll hear. If it makes you angry what I say, I probably deserved it. My heart has been broken the last time, I trust people too easy when I don't want to, my body forces it. I just want to die when I love someone, like I really want to die. I don't want to commit to any friendship or love at all no matter if I'm good at it, it's because my psychosis is too much for people and I can't help it anymore with or without meds. I just tried countless meds nothing helps. I'm sick nuerologically, I'm afraid of parkinsons is all too real now. I wanted to do music and be transgender and have a life as a polyamorous person. I had so much, It gets thrown away, when I can't recognize anything. It's like my life never existed and the room spins fast, everything turns to a nightmare, I get drunk physically from my body. It aches alot muscles are always stiff and in pain, I had tremors. I hallucinate all the time in every way. I feel like vomitting everything out. I just want to die, because of this abuse. The ignorance and apathetic behavior of others towards me is too much, I don't want to be a human. I want to be dead, they say they love me, but never shown it. I haven't seen it. I don't want anything anymore. Just rest