So I've been developing hypnophobia (fear of sleep) for a little while now. It has a mixture of reasons. I feel like I am not the same person when I sleep or that I will be different when I wake up. I feel vulnerable. I have never liked being seen sleeping; even if I were exhausted I had to wait until I was alone to sleep. Which has thankfully been changing lately. But the fear of sleep is still there.

I get bad nightmares, which is related to psychosis. Depending on your interpretation. I guess it could be paranoia, but it feels like nightmares are being put into my head. It's deliberate, and it's part of a process... I also get demonic hallucinations (psychosis-related, not sleep-related, especially at night) so that makes me feel even more vulnerable when I'm in bed.

So recently, I've also been having sleep paralysis. Which didn't happen often in the past. What it feels like for me is that I'm trying to avoid sleeping because I can't face the nightmares, yet my meds and my physical tiredness makes me have to sleep. And in the intersection of those two, I get paralyzed.

It got pretty bad last night, because I was having hallucinations while I was paralyzed. I heard someone walk into my room, pause, and then grab my leg. I did everything I could to kick or move or call for help or even open my eyes, but I couldn't...