I am sorry you are experiencing those emotions and thoughts. I've had depression off and on since after the birth of my second child; got healed once in church, but it came back; never really got the right meds, which could be a big part of what you are experiencing and medical problems can mess up the thoughts. I took one day at a time through the Winter so far; sometimes a change of place can help, if you can get away or visit someone. I hope you can get it together....I struggle with insomnia, that's why I'm up right now......the battle is with the mind, you have to overcome it by changing your thoughts and holding onto hope when there seems none; I know, I'm there right now...I'm also borderline and lately it's like a battle to go out and avoid some drama with someone....fighting with the dental office over an interest fee when they got the claim wrong.....dealing with an angry contractor.....I'm running out of safe places to go and be...my dog loves me...do you have any pets? Cheers, "help............."