Sometimes I wonder if I did make up all the stuff my mom did to me, just because I was a screwed up kid who read lots of stories about kids being abused and maybe wanted the attention that would come with making that kind of allegation. How can we know if our memories are true or not? We can't.

So, she called me. After five days. I wanted to call her. In fact, I've been thinking about calling her every single day. But I wanted to give her some time to cool off first, and I wanted to figure out what to say so we wouldn't just start fighting about stuff. I also wanted to run some stuff by T first, and we're not talking until Monday, so I thought I would give it some time.

Giving it some time was a bad idea. My mom was so hurt that I hadn't called her; she'd expected me to and as I'd predicted, every single day I didn't call hurt her heart a little more and made her even more scared that our relationship was over. I told T this situation was time-sensitive; T told me it was just my anxiety making me think it was urgent and it actually wasn't. But I know my mom.

So, the gist of it - she told me how much pain she was in from her daughter leaving her and not speaking to her for two years and how much it took its toll on her, in her relationship with me, with my stepdad, with my brother, on her mental health, and how much money she spent fighting in court to get custody of me again, and how she will be paying off the debt she incurred for the rest of her life and how she almost lost the house because of that. And I felt so, so bad and apologized over and over and then she started crying again.

I tried to tell her how I felt, how her words in my head calling me a manipulator and a liar never went away and how much that hurt me. She asked me what else she could think when I was manipulating and lying about what she did to me. I know she truly believes that; she truly thinks she never hurt me and I just made it all up. And maybe she's right. How would I know?

I know I hurt her. I know she is simply incapable of seeing my pain. It's not her fault; she just isn't. She admits she wasn't a perfect parent and she made some mistakes, but she thinks all the stuff I said about her was really just my father manipulating me into believing she hurt me. That, at least, I know isn't true.

But maybe she didn't kick me out. Maybe I did just leave. Maybe I was the one who chose to stay away for no reason. How can I know?

She won't come to a session with T; she thinks it will make no difference and we just need to put the past behind us and move on and these are issues I need to work through on my own. She doesn't want to lose me. I can't leave her. And yet, this. I don't know how to just put all this behind us. But she absolutely will not do a session with T and I don't know what other choices there are. Maybe nothing.

I told her I would take some time to process this and give her some time to do the same and I would call her early next week. I told her I love her and she is super important to me and I'm not going to leave her. I don't think she believes that, but it's true. I love her. I know she loves me. I can't lose her. But I don't know what to do.