Heads up, this is gonna be long. This is my first time posting in any support type forum and I don't know the rules about how long a post can be. I just want to share some of my experiences and ask for feedback and similar stories.

I'm 28, 29 in March. I've been bipolar since elementary school. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 11. No one noticed. I puked green bile for days and my mom thought I had a stomach bug. I told my younger sister (who at age 19, killed herself, she'd been bipolar too) asked me if I died if she could have my stuff. My mother was bipolar and in denial (meaning not in treatment). She was a hypocritical fundamental baptist, meaning she taught us all these morals (and ridiculous rules like girls can't wear pants) and never lived that way herself. She always told me mental illness was just the devil or sin. There were 6 of us kids (3 youngest were my step dad's kids). My moms oldest was a boy. She had him by another man shortly after marrying my dad. I was next, then my sister. They divorced when I was 4, which is also when my moms oldest son started molesting me. He also used to beat me up till I would cry, sometimes in front of my mother with her only casually commenting for him to stop after I would start crying. This went on till I was 13 when he actually raped me. My mom and step dad also beat me till I had bruises anytime I would lie or misbehave. When I was 14 I moved in with my dad and started public high school, trying to start over. Unfortunately my dad was an unhappy (also possibly un diagnosed mental illness) man with a quick temper who would throw things at me and threaten me (and my sister after my dad got custody of both of us). He would always later apologize usually by taking me to buy something. I started smoking at 15 and tried to kill myself many times. I was always depressed, but somehow I was very high functioning with a lot of energy and grandiose plans never realized. I even played in my high school orchestra and marching band. I met my husband at 17 and he saved my life. I stopped trying to kill myself all the time and even though I still had PTSD and anxiety and depression I was happier than if ever been. We got pregnant after a year and a half together and got married at 19 and 18 in 2004.

My symptoms were manageable until 2009 when I had a deep depression for 6 months hardly showering or getting out of bed. I tried to kill myself for the first time in a long time and my husband very worried, took me to the er. I was put on my first 51/50 and stayed for 3 days. I got home Christmas Eve now with a diagnosis of depression, PTSD and GAD. I started my first psych meds and my new antidepressant put me into hypo mania. My diagnosis then changed from depression to bipolar. After seeing a psych dr for a while I'd get mad at them for something small, go off my meds go up and down for a while and eventually start over at a new doctor and therapist, all the while having about 6 short hospital stays for attempted suicide.

Right now I am going through one of the times when I'm off my meds and in between doctors, but it's not because I got mad. I signed up for my new ACA insurance so I have to see a new doctor. And I'm off my meds partially because of some horrible GI symptoms I've been having since August 2013 and mostly because I convinced myself that maybe I'm not really bipolar. Maybe I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine right now. I'm going through what I feel is a mixed episode or maybe rapid cycling.

We live with my grandma right now for financial reasons and she is very old school. She is very critical, but she has the best intentions. But what I'm struggling with is she says these things to me like: "you just don't do enough" or "you are so lazy" or "you let your husband do too much for you" when I'm in a depressive state, which makes me feel guilty and then infuriated that she would make me feel that way. And she says things like "everyone had mood swings" and "I was depressed once for a week so I know exactly how you feel and it's not that bad". She tries to make me feel like I act like a victim for even calling what I have a mental illness or for the fact that sometimes I need to talk about my past abuse to work through things sometimes. She also says things like "well back in my time, women kept a home and took care of their husbands and kids never complaining of mental health problems. We just dealt with stress better then." Like she's saying I'm not mentally ill I must just be having a little bit of a low point or a little stress which I should be fully capable of picking myself up, dusting myself off and being just fine with no medication or therapy.

Right now I'm having numerous crying fits. I'm irritable, angry, sped up, not sleeping, eating practically nothing. Between my moods and my gi symptoms I am literally being thrown between up and down like a rag doll, from minute to minute. Here is my main question about these symptoms: am I experiencing a mixed episode or is this rapid cycling? It seems more like a mixed episode to me, but I have no idea what anyone else has ever been through when it comes to bipolar symptoms, PTSD, GAD, and dealing with people who constantly belittle your illness even though they say they love you. Anyway I don't mind answering any questions, but please be sensitive. I'm not in a great place right now. And in no way is this a complete description of my symptoms and experiences that I feel contribute to my mental health.

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