hurts sometimes. want to go home and play meaningless computer game and watch meaningless tv. my supervisor is arriving for a few days next week. i need to get some work to him. so i have a deadline. my work isn't going well. too many ideas. need to simplify them and write them up clearly. hard to extract the simplicity from the jumble. but really need to give him some work. and really... just want to do meaningless stuff. have to go to a seminar in half an hour. on something i'm not particularly interested in (ssh don't tell anyone).

see my t in three days. just over two days. feel... vulnerable. tired. hurting. need some time to myself to blob because i didn't have any time to myself over the weekend. had a good conference socialisation-wise. seeing how much work some others have done and feeling demoralised about myself though. they have publications and i have a 'to do' list. need to get them. that is the difference between the people who get jobs and the people who don't etc etc.

feel... not sure. irritable? been here before...

i don't know what is wrong. i just want to get away from everything for a while. sorry sorry.

i anticipate my supervisor will give me a bit of a hard time. because i was meant to go to this other city but i haven't done much in the way of sorting that out. was meant to contact backpackers and find out about long term accom (for a month). i don't think i would cope very well with living in a shared room for that long, however. and financially i can't afford a single room for that long. supervisor has this real down to earth attitude. sure it would be fine for him to live in a shared room. not me. i don't expect he will understand that. or understand about financial limitations.

want to go to the US for a year. there is some funding for that. but the dept. needs to choose one person. apparantly i'm the 'natural choice' given my interests. doesn't mean i will be THE choice, however. other people have publications... that means other people have priority.

publish or perish publish or perish.

my absorbtion in me me me and my problems means i'm perishing.

but there it is.

and i just want to go home to sleep...