Last Wednesday, me and my therapist had a really really awful session. About three weeks ago we started telephone sessions because it was it was decided i needed to speak to her halfway thru between sessions. Ideally i should have been going to her office for a session but i couldn't afford any more sessions. So she offered this solution for no charge- very generous. We've had 2 or 3 telephone sessions and on Wednesday, completely out the blue she speaks to me about thinking a boundary has been breached by not charging, that money passing hand is what keeps it a professional relationship and all above board ( i think i disagree with this but whatever). So i told her i can't afford to pay for the phonecalls so lets just go back to once per week sessions.

I felt so ashamed. She tried really hard to get me to talk and i just wouldn't. I totally closed her out, wouldn't look at her, wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't let her help me. I had so many feeling just taking over me. I sat there trying so hard not to cry that my whole body was shaking. I ended up asking to leave and that ended the session.

Next day i emailed her the anger and shame i felt, all the feelings i had about changing boundaries, my confusion over what had changed, why all of a sudden it wasn't ok to have the phone sessions. That my need for them hadn't changed but now i'm left with nothing. I felt like i'd done something wrong.
She wrote back and we've text back and forth for 2 days. She really does want to repair this, she wants me to come back to discuss it. And she is trying really hard to sort this out, she recognises our relationship has taken a huge hit. But believes it can be sorted.

For me... i don't know if i even want to. When i think of not going back to therapy and the money i'd save and the heartache i'd save, i feel a sense of freedom. But i also feel sad at it ending this way. I had high hopes. We do work well together, i had trusted her, but that's not there just now and i don't know if i can get that back.
I feel completely abandoned by her. Today i should be hearing from her and instead i am all alone and really struggling with all of this and really can't tolerate my emotions and she knows this and still she hasn't offered to call me. She text me to tell me she hope i feel better soon- Really???? WTF!!!!! You created this and this is as close to crisis as it gets and you couldn't put in a call to me? F. this..

I think i could go back and i think it could be repaired with time but like i said i don't know if i want to and i really want to be adult about this, go back and talk it out but right now i am in this spiral of hurt, shame, pain, sadness, betrayal, anger and desperation. Like, if i had an inner child she is currently 6 years old and running the show and she is one pissed off, scared little girl. And i don't know how to stop it.

I'm being really tough on my therapist and sometimes i feel bad and sometime i think "good, she deserves it".

Help....