The problem is, i don't think there is a short-term fix Yearning. All the putting in boundaries, taking space etc it's already happening, you're already in it, it isn't some far away concept for the future and there's not even any way of going back really. And i don't think anyone here is suggesting for one minute that you need not have a relationship with your mother.

Your mother has you held to ransom over this. She knows that subtle threat of "if you don't do this for me, then you can't be my daughter" is enough to reign you in every time. That the fear of disconnection is enough to make you play by the rules. She is banking on the fact that you will meet her needs and take all the blame and responsibility just so you can still be her daughter.

If you want things to get better between you, then you could try speaking to her preferably at your house or at a neutral location, just you and her and lay out some rules for communication. Then discuss key issues. Whether that's mutual boundaries or how you both want to conduct your adult to adult mother/daughter relationship. It doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere with her by trying to force heart to heart discussions, maybe in the future that can happen. So can you both concentrate on doing fun things together, just the two of you? Try rebuilding your relationship but this time with clear, discussed boundaries?

Maybe once a friendship develops, and trust deepens, then she will be ready to open up more about the past, but right now it sounds like she's on constant defence, and you are constantly looking for evidence of love, validation that she was crap and she's not ready to do or see that. But maybe if you can put all that to the side while in her company and ask her for a fresh start, then you both and build something stronger?

It shouldn't be all or nothing Yearning. You don't need to be treated badly just to have a mother. And there will come a time when you're strong enough in yourself to see that.