Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
And the thing I just can't get out of my head is what if it really is all my fault? What if she didn't actually hurt me and I just embellished/exaggerated/made stuff up because I really didn't like the rules in her house? I've considered this periodically over the past few years; sometimes I think things happened that didn't make sense to me, so I wove those things into a cohesive narrative and cast her as the villain, when really we were both at fault, and me probably more so.
Because the fact of the matter is, even if she did "kick me out," she was angry and quickly repentant, and I was the one who chose to stay away. I can see how much that hurt her and how much of a toll it took on her emotionally, and she did spend so much time and money trying to get me back, but I had this idea in my head that she was this abusive monster who hurt me, so I refused. What if that idea is just a fantasy, because I wanted attention or simply because I wanted to make sense of my own actions?
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Here's the thing Yearning, even if that was all true (which i don't think it is) then that would have to mean you had severe problems underlying and children with happy secure home lives just don't make stuff like that up, they are too busy being happy and secure and playing in the yard. Happy kids don't need extra attention, happy kids who have happy parents who provide love and security don't need to go looking for it elsewhere or create fantasies.
So if you were making it all up... then there was still something going wrong, somewhere. But the fact is, you are not making it all up, things happened that shouldn't have. The proof is in your emotions not your memories. If you feel unhappy, unloved, insecure, terrified, abused etc etc then you were. Your feelings are your proof. And the reason you are denying it to yourself is because the people around you would rather it was your fault than look in the mirror and see whose fault it really is.