You're judging these events in your mind thru the lens of an 18 year old and not as the 5 year old kid who was experiencing it. At 5 years old you simply don't have the capacity to see it in context. If some of the things happened to you now, like a parent forgetting to pick you up, you'd be standing in the street pissed off but you wouldn't be thinking you were literally going to die because the people who sustain your life have abandoned you and that means uncertain death. For a little kid things are life and death. And that's why they are so much more traumatic for them.

And, if (big If) you did make abuse fantasies cos you thought you'd deserve help more is that really on the grand scale of things unforgivable? Really? It's up there with terrorism, murder, rape, torture, war????? No, of course it isn't. Lots of people question their abuse, neglect etc was it really that bad? That's natural.

From the events you've written about here, i can say without a doubt you were brought up with emotional neglect, emotional abuse and some physical abuse. Isn't that enough?

Are you waiting for the people who neglected and abused you to admit to it? Will it only be real once they do? Because you and other abuse survivors will be waiting along time for that to happen.