Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
You're judging these events in your mind thru the lens of an 18 year old and not as the 5 year old kid who was experiencing it. At 5 years old you simply don't have the capacity to see it in context. If some of the things happened to you now, like a parent forgetting to pick you up, you'd be standing in the street pissed off but you wouldn't be thinking you were literally going to die because the people who sustain your life have abandoned you and that means uncertain death. For a little kid things are life and death. And that's why they are so much more traumatic for them.
And, if (big If) you did make abuse fantasies cos you thought you'd deserve help more is that really on the grand scale of things unforgivable? Really? It's up there with terrorism, murder, rape, torture, war????? No, of course it isn't. Lots of people question their abuse, neglect etc was it really that bad? That's natural.
From the events you've written about here, i can say without a doubt you were brought up with emotional neglect, emotional abuse and some physical abuse. Isn't that enough?
Are you waiting for the people who neglected and abused you to admit to it? Will it only be real once they do? Because you and other abuse survivors will be waiting along time for that to happen.
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Sometimes I just wonder if the events I've written about here really did happen or just in my head. Because it isn't a nice clean logical narrative of my parents hurting me --> I told someone about it --> I got help.
It actually goes like this: I wrote a story about a kid being abused and gave it to a teacher (why? I don't know anymore - I wouldn't ascribe any particular motivation to it these days - I wrote stories all the time and gave them to people so there might not have been any great meaning to it) --> the teacher showed it to the principal who said she was worried about me and asked if it was autobiographical --> I said no (which was true, since the story didn't describe anything that ever happened to me) --> I told my stepdad or the teacher told my stepdad (I forget who) about the story --> he got very angry and slapped me because I was "telling lies about our family" (definitely wrong, but he was angry, and if it had just been that one time...) --> he told my mother about it and she got very angry and cried and told me she couldn't believe what I'd done to our family and I wasn't her daughter anymore and she would wash her hands of me --> she took me to my dad's store and left me there.
It was THEN (I think) that I reinterpreted all the things that happened in the past as "abusive" and that was the story I decided to run with, and even a week later when my mother wanted me back, I refused to go, because in my head I'd built up this image of her as an abusive monster.
It might have just been that I was ashamed of what I did and how much I'd upset her and couldn't bear to face her and face what I did, so it was easier to just follow through with the lie.
It sounds a lot better to tell people, "My mother kicked me out when I was thirteen," and have them say, "Oh, you poor thing!" than for me to say, "Well, I lied(?) about her abusing me, and she told me she would drop me off at my dad's because she was angry, and rightfully so, and then she got over her anger within the week but I continued to hold that grudge for two years."
If I really did lie about her abusing me, and told everyone in the world about it and got Children's Aid involved, which could have meant her losing my brother, and put her heavily into debt fighting for me in court, and ignored my own mother for two years based on a fantasy...that is pretty unforgivable.
I mean, how can I know?