Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
Ok, let's go with it. So you were 13 years old and told a massive lie. Now what? Is what you did as a CHILD unforgivable?
Let me tell you something. If my 13 year old told a story like that and inferred something like that was going on at home, my first instinct wouldn't be to send them away, it would be to bring them closer. Would i be angry? Hell yeah, but i'd be angry because i was embarrassed that i'd failed as a parent and now the school knew it and also because my child was hurting and i'd missed it.
I would talk to my little girl and tell her she wasn't in trouble but we need to get to the bottom of it, either she could talk to me or an auntie or a teacher or a therapist. Shaming my child wouldn't be on my agenda.
How long do you want to keep punishing yourself for that incident? Till your 20? 30? 45? 80? You can't change what happened no matter how much you flagellate yourself over it. So maybe it's better to try and forgive yourself. And for what it's worth, i still don't think a happy child does that, you were trying to communicate something.
|
This is what an emotionally mature parent would probably do. But my mother isn't an emotionally mature parent. Immature doesn't equal abusive, though...
I know I don't need to keep punishing myself for this (although my mother seems to think otherwise). I guess I just wish I knew what the truth was, because I have all these thoughts and stories in my head which are very traumatic and frightening, but what's even more traumatic and frightening is not knowing if my brain is being honest with me or not, or if I can trust it. Because if it's lying to me about this, what else is it lying to me about?
I know what you're saying makes sense, Asia, and I appreciate it. I guess it's just...my brain. It's stuck on this.
I guess I'll keep punishing myself so long as I continue to go around telling people my mom kicked me out when I was thirteen, because it's simpler and easier to swallow than the truth. I told this story to someone yesterday because it felt right to me. It felt more right when she asked me about my relationship with my mother to say that she kicked me out than to tell this whole complicated story that may or may not be true and makes very little sense. And I got empathy for it. And that felt good. So I keep telling it.