It seems I'm to sensitive and that I should not hear or be so atentive to other people jugdements. This totaly makes sense, at least rationaly... I know this is one of the things that makes me hiding my little self from the world.
But what, aren't we supose to feel and show how things make us feel? Other thing that I have been doing all my life, hiding all kind of emotions, desires and feelings.
So in the end I have to be myself and at the same time I need to don't care about everyone jugdment...But if my self cares about it, if being myself is show it how things hurt me and I don't like them and I want to step asside?
It seems that it all ends up the same way it has been all my life, me holding myself... I don't have much choice, if I had. I don't want my mother to break the decibels (???) sound scale to yell at me, to make me do want she wants, I don't want her to go totaly mad and crazy about it...yes, but, I have magicaly not care and at the same time be myself.
I'm tired of not caring, I'm tired of hear those things and in my head they don't make any conection with everything I lived. I'm tired of not standing with my opinions because it's dificult to get my thoughts together, so I can really say something, I'm tired of forgeting "everything". Or maybe I'm just tired and I really don't want anything in life.
But it is so hard to understand that I'm working hard to get my *** out of the sofa, and if I get late it's because I don't have the motivation or energy to make myself go faster, is so hard to understand that I'm not doing that on porpuse, in fact I only do that because I do whatever they tell me to. I'm not thinking very straight today and they are to slow. But this makes any kind of sense?
I don't get how they not get it, because how I use to hear them saying "I know, I have been there". Am I supose to hear it all and shut up, and get on my feet by myself, creating a confident person out of no where, when there will always be something used against me to let myself down.
And as I said I don't want nothing and everything that I think I want, I don't have the energy to do it. And when I say something that I want they turn against me (with their little understanding) calling me irrational and other things and make myself do what they want. I think I'm trapped by my head and by my life. But either way I never have reason in what I'm saying. Whataver.